
SWOLLEN-HEADED WILLIAM 

(AFTER THE GERMAN!) 



VERSES ADAPTED BY 
E. V. LUCAS 



DRAWINGS ADAPTED BY 

GEO. MORROW 



E. p. DUTTON & COMPANY, NEW YORK 




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r SWOLLEN-HEADED o 
WILLIAM 



Painful Stories and Funny Pictures 
After the German ! . , 

Text adapted by E. V. Lucas 



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^ D'^^ Drawings adapted by Geo. Morrow t^ 





Old Corner Book 
Store, Inc. 

Mass, 



CONTENTS. 






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l._SWOLLEN-HEADED WILLIAM. 

2.— THE STORY OF CULTURED WILLIAM. 

3.— THE DREADFUL STORY OF WILLIAM AND THE MATCHES. 

4.— THE STORY OF THE INKY BOYS 

5.— THE STORY OF THE MAN THAT WENT OUT SHOOTING. 

6.— THE STORY OF LITTLE BITE-HIS-THUMB. 

7.— THE STORY OF WILLIAM WHO WOULD NOT HAVE 
ANY PEACE-SOUP. 

8.— THE STORY OF FIDGETY WILL. 

9.— THE STORY OF WILLY HEAD-IN-AIR. 

10.— THE STORY OF COLLECTING WILLIAM. 



I. SWOLLEN-HEADED WILLIAM. 




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Look at William ! There he stands, 
With the blood upon his hands. 
His moustaches daunt the sky, 
Pointing to his great Ally. 
What of Heaven William thinks 
Is no riddle of the Sphinx, 
But a matter much more dim 
Is what Heaven thinks of him. 




(1) 



2. THE STORY OF CULTURED WILLIAM. 




2) 



He tried to march to France one da}^ 
But found the dog was in his way. 
So cultured William seized a whip 
And threatened Tray and bade him skip. 
But Tray was firm; he wouldn't flinch, 
In fact he wouldn't budge an inch. 




O**) 




But all the world unites to praise 
This attitude of good dog Tray's. 
And soon, we hope, what a treat ! 
The dog, at Will's expense, will eat 
The finest banquet ever known, 
To recompense him and atone. 
The soup he'll swallow sup by sup 
The pies and puddings he'll eat up ! 
And may we all be there to see, 
And wish him "Trh hon appetitf" 



(4) 



3. THE DREADFUL STORY OF WILLIAM AND THE 

MATCHES. 




It almost makes me cry to tell 

What foolish William once befell. 

He'd grown more headstrong every day 

And now was left alone at play. 

Upon the table close at hand 

A box of matches chanced to stand. 

Now Dame Europa oft had told him 

That if he touched them she would scold him» 

But William said, " Oh, what a pity, 

For when they burn it is so pretty ! 

So long I've waited for this game ! 

They crackle and they spurt and flame ! " 



The pussy-cats heard this, 

And they began to hiss, 

And stretch their claws, 

And raise their paws : 

" Me-ow," they said, " me-ow, me-o ; 

You'll burn to death if you do so ! " 



But William would not take advice ; 
He lit a match — it was so nice ! 
It crackled so, it burnt so clear 
(Exactly like the picture here), 
He jumped for joy and ran about, 
And was too pleased to put it out. 



The pussy-cats were still 
Alarmed at naughty Will. 
They stretched their claws, 
And raised their paws : 
" 'Tis very, very wrong, you know; 
Me-ow, me-o ! Me-ow, me-o ! 
You will be burnt if you do so ! " 



(5) 




But see, O what a flaming storm I 
The fire has caught his uniform; 
His tunic burns, his arms, his hair, 
He burns all over, everjAvhere. 

Then how the pussy-cats did mew. 
What else, poor^'pussies, could they do ? 
They screamed at him, 'twas all in vain, 
And then they screamed and screamed agaiis 
" Make haste ! make haste ! me-ow, me-o ! 
He'll burn to death, we told him so!" 

So Will was burnt, with all his clothes, 
His arms and hands and eyes and nose]:; 
All perished in a flaming crash — 
Except the points of his moustache ! 
And nothing else but these was found 
Among his ashes on the ground. 

And when the good cats sat beside 
The smoking ruins, how they cried' 
"Me-ow me-oo, me-ow me-oo, 
What will our German Empire do ? " 
The tears ran down their cheeks so fast 
They made a httle pond at last. 



(6) 



4. THE STORY OF THE INKY BOYS. 





As he had often done before, 

For happy centuries and more. 

The wealthy English Colonist 

(That stranger to the Maily Fist), 

Beneath whose skilful, kindly sway 

Our vast dominions smile each day, 

One summer morning sallied out 

To see his lands and walk about. 

And as the sun was hot, good fellow, 

He took with him his green umbrella. 

Then William, little noisy wag, 

Ran out and jeered and waved his flag ; 

And Bethmann-Hollweg, smug and trim. 

Bringing his treaty shears with him; 

Bernhardi, too, snatched up his toys 

And joined the other envious boys ; 

For all disliked the English race, 

And loathed this fellow's prosperous face. 

"We also want to feel the sun"; 

They said, " come, show us how it's done ! 

We want a place within it, too ; 

We're more deserving far than you — 

We want your place ! Yah Yah! Boo Boo"! 




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(7) 



Now tall Agrippa lived close by — 
So tall he almost touched the sky. 
He had a mighty inkstand too, 
In which a great goose feather grew 
He called out in an an^y tone 
"Boys, leave the Englishman alone; 
For though you fight till all is bhie, 
He'll never give his sun to you; 
Nor are you fit to feel its rays, 
Until you mend your ugly ways' 
But Ah ! they did not mind a bit 
What great Agrippa said of it, 
But went on shaking each a fist. 




(8) 



Then great Agrippa foams with rage, 
(Look at him on this very page): 
"So far trom smilight, I declare 
It's darkness that you three shall share ! ' 
He sei2:es Bethmann, seizes Bill, 
And grabs Bernhardi with a will 



And they may scream and kick and call. 
Into the ink he drops them aU — • 
Into the inkstand, one, two, three, 
TiU they are black as black can he. 
(Tm-n over and you now shall see.) 




(9) 




(10) 



5. THE STORY OF THE MAN THAT WENT OUT SHOOTING. 



This is the man who'd shoot the hare — 

The Belgian hare all unaware — 

This is the coat he likes to wear. 

With stars and goose-step, sword and 
gun, 

He's going out to have some fun 

He finds it hard without his Zeiss 

To shoot a hare at any price. 





But when upon the scene he came. 
The Belgian hare was much too game ; 
And when this man of Blood and Brass 
Said " Bow your head and let me pass," 
The Belgian hare in strong Liege 
Prepared the green man to engage. 
And there the hare tries all it can 
To shoot the horrid green-coat man. 




(11) 



6. THE STORY OF LITTLE BITE-HIS-THUMB. 

(See Romeo and Juliet, Act I., Scene I.) 



One day Mamma said "William, hark! 
There's something you must try and mark 
A habit bad that you've contracted 
Must really now be counteracted. 
You bite your thumb too much, you know 
You bite your thumb at high and low. 
The great tall tailor always comes 
To Arrogants who bite their thumbs, 
And ere they dream that he's about 
He takes his great sharp scissors out 
And cuts their thumbs clean off — and then 
You knoAv they never grow again." 




Mamma had scarcely turned her back, 
Once more he bit his thumb, alack ! 




(12) 





The door flew open, in he ran, 
The great, long, brown-legged scissor man, 
O children, see ! the tailor's come 
And caught out little Bite-his-Thumb ! 
Snip ! Snap ! Snip ! the scissors go, 
And William cries out "Oh! Oh! Oh!" 
Snip ! Snap ! Snip ! they go so fast, 
And both his thumbs are off at last 

Europa smiles as William stands 
And looks so sad and shows his hands, 
"Ha, Ha!" she says, "I knew he'd come 
To naughty little Bite-his-Thumb." 



OS) 



7. THE STORY OF WILLIAM WHO WOULD NOT 
HAVE ANY PEACE-SOUP. 




Now William was a chubby lad, 
Fat ruddy cheeks young William had 
And German people saw with joy, 
The plump and hearty, healthy boy. 
He ate and drank as he was told, 
And never let his soup get cold. 
(Though now and then, the truth to 

state. 
It cooled a little in his plate) 
But one day, one hot August day, 
He screamed out — " Take the soup 

away ! 
Oh, take the nasty soup away ! 
I won't have any soup to-day." 

Next month, now look, the picture 

shows 
How lank and lean poor Wflliana 

grows ! 
Yet, though he feels so weak and ill. 
The naughty fellow cries out still — 
" Not any soup for me, I say : 
Oh, take the nasty soup away ! 
I won't have any soup to-day." 

The third month comes; Oh, what a 

sin ! 
See how he's growing pale and thin I 
And now for soup he'd have a 

greeting, 
But none there is for William's 

eating, 
So naughty has he been about it, 
That now he's forced to go without it. 

Look at him, now the fourth month's 

come ! 
He scarcely weighs a sugar-plum; 
He's like a little bit of thread. 
And very soon he may be dead .' 



(14) 



8. THE STORY OF FIDGETY WILL. 




" Let us see it William can 

Be a prudent business man. 

Let us see if he is able 

To respect the dinner table," 

Said the Haus Herr : " Now behave ! " 

And his wife looked very grave. 

But Fidgety Will 

He wouldn't sit still, 

Though the table was laden 

With good things to eat, 
And everyone happy 

And smiling and neat, 
The house in o^ood order 

And money to spare — 
He wriggled 
And struggled 

And tilted his chair, 
And, all discontented, 

Still threatened the fare. 



(15 





See the naughty, restless elt, 
Growing still more fixed on selt. 
Now his chair falls over quite. 
William pulls with all his might, 
Down upon the ground they fall, 
Bottle, soup tureen and all. 
See the Haus Herr fret and frown, 
As he sees them tumbling downl 
And the Haus Frau makes a face: 
William is in sad disgrace. 




(1€) 





Where is William ? where is he ? 
Fairly overwhelmed, you see. 
What a terrible to-do ! 
Dishes, glasses snapt in two ! 
Here a knife, and there a fork! 
William, this is cruel work. 
Table bare, and what a life 
For the German and his wife! 
See them scowl and wonder how 
They will get their dinner now. 




(17) 



9. THE STORY OF WILLY HEAD-IN-AIR. 




As he lived, from day to day, 

It was always Willy's way 

At the sky above to stare, 

And the stars that dazzled there 

(Which, as every German knows, 

Aren't the twinklers we suppose, 

But rewards the Kaiser's given. 

As encouragement, to Heaven — 

Medals of the second class 

For assistance in Alsace; 

Crosses, jewels in profusion, 

Recompensing the collusion). 

Running just in Willy's way 

Came a little dog one day. 

William's eyes were still astray 

Up on high, 

In the sky; 

And he never heard them cry, 

" Willy, mind the dog is nigh ! " 

Bump! 

Dump ! 

Down he fell with such a thurnp 



(18; 



Still with head as high as ever, 

Willy walked beside the river; 

Still intent on his Ally 

(As he thought Him) in the sky; 

Still convinced that all he thought, 

Dreamed of, wished tor, said oi wrought 

Had the Heavenly approbation 

(Worthy of more decoration). 

So he strode on, only think! 

To the river's very brink, 

Where the bank was high and steep 

And the water very deep; 

And the fishes in a row, 

Laughed and said, "I told you so." 







One step more ! Oh, sad 
to tell! 

Headlong in poor Willy 
fell; 

And the fishes were so 
glad, 

And they chipped the 
foolish lad: 

"Silly little Willy, look. 

You have lost your copy- 
book." 



(10) 



10. THE STORY OF COLLECTING WILLIAM. 




Such as landscapes (like to 

these) 
Marking dark catastrophes, 
Showing cities bombed and 

burning, 

Famous once for light 
and learning. 



William's rare aesthetic taste 
Is astonishingly chaste. 
Nothing that is really right 
Fails to move him to delight;. 
Such as scenes of desolation 
Due to lethal aviation; 





Every day his exhibition 
Has another choice addition, 
And the latest of these 

themes 
Is a view of ruined Rheims. 




(20) 



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